What could make something so beautiful feel so painful and impossible to hold on to?

As-salaamu'alaikum (Peace and blessings),

“I’m grateful for you, for us,” I told my daughter. “I’m grateful for the relationship Allah has blessed us with.”
My daughter and I were having our Family Self-Care Session when I spoke these words.
“Allah has tested us with so much, with things I never thought we’d go through,” I said. “But each day, I thank Allah for you. I can’t tell you how much of a blessing it is to come home to so much love and compassion each day.”

She smiled and nodded. “I feel the same about you, Ummi. I’m so happy to be able to talk to you every day and spend time with you. I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” I said.

Then we hugged.

Our mother-daughter Family Self-Care Session is a “soul care” meeting that my daughter, Fareedah, and I have scheduled for every other week, and in it we share three things:

(1) what we are grateful for

(2) an ayah of the Qur’an that inspired us that week

(3) anything on our minds or hearts that we want the other to know

These soul-care sessions were inspired by the family halaqas that my father and mother would have every day after Fajr when my siblings and I were growing up. During our after-Fajr family sessions, my father would read something from the Qur’an and we’d all discuss it.

“I want to tell you something that my dad used to tell us growing up,” I said to my daughter. “It’s something I never forgot, and it helped me through a lot of difficult times. So, I want you to remember it too, no matter what, even when I’m no longer here and life gets really confusing:

‘You’re going to make mistakes you never thought you’d make, and you’re going to do things you never thought you’d do. But no matter what happens, always hold on to two things: Your belief in Allah and your Salaah (the five foundational prayers).’

“I used to think this was so simple, holding on to my faith, I mean,” I told my daughter. “I used to read the hadith about how there would come a time when holding on to your faith will be like holding on to hot coal, and I couldn’t fathom it. I used to imagine the most unimaginable trials. What could make something so beautiful feel so painful and impossible to hold on to? I wondered. So, I imagined trials like being tortured by disbelievers, like being threatened with death or imprisonment if you didn’t give up your deen (spiritual way of life).

“I had no idea that, in my life, the hot coals would come from my own sisters and brothers in faith…

“I had no idea that I would be slandered and ostracized for striving to follow the Qur’an and prophetic teachings instead of blindly following our community imam…

“I had no idea that I would sit in classes that claimed to speak on behalf of Allah and His Prophet (peace be upon him) only to be left feeling ‘less than’ because I’m a woman, or because I’m Black…

“It took everything in me to find my way back to Allah after those who claimed to be His beloved made me feel like I wasn’t ‘good enough’ to even be part of this deen—unless I sacrificed my soul in servitude to them.

“But you know what saved me?  By the mercy of Allah, I never forgot what my father said: ‘No matter what happens, hold on to your belief in Allah and your prayer.’

And I did.

I held on to the Qur’an too, and I read it each day, even when I doubted I could be Muslim.

I held on to my emaan, even when the hot coals burned my hands.

I held on even when they burned my palms so much that I felt it in my heart.

And yes, there were times I nearly gave up on Allah.

But He never gave up on me.

So, that’s what I’m most grateful for.

That till today, I still have my faith.

And I still have you.”

Your sister in faith and gratitude,

Courtesy: Sister Umm Zakiyyah

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Compiled,edited and adapted by Khalid Latif

thekhalids.org