1) Healing and overcoming shame

Most of us experience a broad spectrum of emotions throughout our lives; some of them are so common we talk about them openly with others, such as love, desire, anger and sadness.  Others, however, make us so uncomfortable we hardly ever talk about them at all.  One such emotion is shame. There is no universal definition for shame, and depending on where you are or what group of people you’re with, how it is expressed and interpreted will differ. Islam defines shame according to whatever acts God deems unlawful (haram) or disliked (makrooh). In other words, any behavior that is displeasing to God is what renders it shameful and anyone who engages in such acts should feel a strong sense of shame. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, “If you have no shame, do as you wish.”[1] For this reason Islam encourages people to adhere to living modestly in every aspect of life, such as in one’s speech, dress, and manners. Understanding shame and modesty as practical behaviors may be easy for the average Muslim, but most of us are unaware of the damaging effects that shame, as an emotion, can have on our personal development, relationships, and social behavior.

According to Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of “The Dance of Anger,” and “The Dance of Fear,” shame is one of the most debilitating of all human emotions because it is hidden underneath several other emotions such as fear, anger, and anxiety and becomes difficult to talk about.  This is often a result of a lifetime of being shamed by others.  People may make what they perceive to be “helpful” comments about our weight, hair, and appearance but by doing so they not only expose our vulnerabilities but often cause us to suppress our feelings and hide behind our shame.  In many ways, this can hinder our individual development and promote a very shattered self image.  Unresolved shame can lead to eating disorders, weight problems, addictions and obsessions, anxiety disorders, and depression.

Collectively, as a society, we need to become more cognizant of how we speak to others.  As parents, children, siblings, friends, co-workers, etc., we have an incredible power to seriously hurt and damage our loved ones if we do not reflect on the power of our words.  By using descriptors that are shaming, we silence and suppress the people in our lives which can potentially cause  a lifetime of devastating pain. Being gentle in our interaction with others, especially when we are advising them is necessary in maintaining healthy relationships.

For many Muslims, when it comes to social protocol, it’s simply confusing trying to distinguish between “cultural” and “Islamic” shame. For example, some people in the Muslim community feel it is shameful to discuss private or personal issues with another person even if they are a therapist, scholar, or a teacher. Contrastingly, in the early days of Islam, both men and women had direct access to the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and would often ask very personal questions.  Aisha, the wife of the Prophet (peace be upon him) narrated that once an Ansari woman asked the Prophet (peace be upon him) how to take a bath after finishing from the menses and he replied directly to her. It’s hard to imagine such an exchange ever taking place in a mosque today!

Moreover, confusion about shame can often lead to much bigger problems.  When someone’s skewed understanding of or unresolved shame paralyzes them into silence and overshadows their basic instinct of self-preservation then major issues like domestic violence, substance abuse, marital discord and/or depression are kept secret and go untreated. The best way to heal shame is to begin talking about it with an objective individual, such as a therapist or a Muslim scholar/counselor, where your information is kept confidential and you are provided a safe opportunity to work through the shame.

As Muslims, we need to reaffirm our understanding of what is truly shameful; that which is displeasing to God.  Being judgmental and hurtful towards others with our language is no doubt displeasing to God. Again, we are reminded by the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) that, “Whoever believes in God and the Last Day should speak a good word or remain silent.”[3] We need to show restraint in the way we judge others and remember to be kind and gentle as we are reminded to do so in the Prophetic tradition, “O ‘Aisha! God is kind and lenient and likes that one should be kind and lenient in all matters.”[4] Above all, we need to remind ourselves as well as others that there is no shame when it comes to our mental well-being or our safety and the safety of our loved ones.  If you or anyone you know is being silenced by “shame,” please seek help.  A starting place could be learning more about your shame.  There have been many wonderful books written on the subject of healing from shame.  Additionally, many mosques and Islamic centers have social service departments and can provide additional resources.

By: MentalHealth4Muslims.com

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2) Risks involved in treating sins too lightly

You should know, may Allah (Azzawajal) have mercy upon you and me, that Allah (Azzawajal), glorified be He, has made repentance obligatory saying: "O you that have believed, turn to your Lord in a goodly way." (Al-Tahrim:8), and has granted us time to repent until the Scribes register the sin in our names. The prophet  has said: "The Scribe on the left hand delays registering the sin of a Muslim for six hours. If he repents (within these six hours), and seeks Allah's forgiveness, they drop if off. If he doesn't, they write is down as a single sin." That is the first respite.

The second respite, even if it is registered, is until the appearance of death before our eyes. (If a man repents sincerely before that hour, it is taken off the records then).

But the problem with most people, is that they estimate not the Majesty of the Lord as they should. They disobey Him in multiple ways - day and night. To make things worse, there are some that are misled by the notion of what they call "minor sins", so that you will see them treating certain sins as inconsequential saying, for instance: "Of what harm will be a look (at that woman), or of what consequence a hand-shake with her?" In consequence, they stare freely at pictures of women in the magazines, or those appearing in the television. Some of them, when told about the sin in it, go a step further and inquire amusingly: "O.K. What's the magnitude of the sin involved? Is it a major one or minor?"

Compare this attitude with that of the Companions of the Prophet , on whom be peace, as recorded by Bukhari in his Sahih: 1. Said Anas, may Allah be pleased with him (to one of the followers): "You imagine certain sins to be more insignificant than a straw. But, at the time of the Prophet  we used to count them among those that can destroy a man." 2. Ibn Mas'ud says: "A believer treats a sin as if it is a mountain over his head that may fall on him any moment. Whereas a regular violator looks at them as a fly that perked on his nose and he waived it away with his hand."

Will these people then learn something from the above, and from the hadith of the Prophet  who said: "Beware of the minor sins. For the example of the minor sins is like that of a group of travelers who broke their journey in a valley. Then one of them brought in a straw. Another came up with another (and a third with one more) until with their collection they were able to gather enough t o cook their food. Remember! If a man is held for questioning (on the day of Judgment)for his minor sins, surely they will destroy him." In another version he is reported to have said: "Beware of minor sins. For they add on until they destroy the man."

The scholars say therefore that when minor sins are committed without any remorse, without the fear of Allah, and accompanied by contempt then they there is all the fear they will be counted as major sins. Hence the saying: "There isn't a minor with persistence, and there isn't a major with repentance." Hence we say to him who commits minor sins: 'Do not look at the sins if they are small or big. Look at Him in whose defiance you are committing them.'

It is hoped that these words about taking sins lightly will benefit those who are true in their faith, are not seduced by their delinquencies, nor are of those that insist upon their wrongs. These words will in fact benefit those who believe in the following words of Allah: "Tell My slaves: that I am v ery Forgiving, very Kind," (Al-Hijr: 49), and those who believe in: "But My chastisement is a severe chastisement indeed." (Al-Hijr: 50)

• Prev
• Next